Traveling in a the train can be tedious or a pleasant one depending on many factors like the condition of the train, mantainance of hygiene in the coach and finally the company you have till you reach your destination. If it is all as per your preference then it is a wonderful journey and if the situation is vice versa then not such a pleasant one after all.
But what I find most appealing about travelling long distances via train is that it gives me a feeling of dejavu, along with plenty of time to ponder on the troubled aspects of life.
When would one get the time for this? You would be wondering. Although if you would notice in the midst of bad network coverage and a low battery one does find time to think about things you might have found to be irrelevant. Time to think with undivided attention to weigh out every aspect of the problem is the need to find a solution.
So here I will share my little secret with you. Every time I travel by train and always the journey is an overnight one. When every passenger retires to their berth and I have arranged my bed role in my berth to join the norm. I first close my eyes and try my hand at sleeping earlier than usual but sleep is not what I need so I stare at the ceiling while my body sways feeling like I’m being rocked in the cradle by the train.
I continue staring at nothing in particular and think of everything that is happening in my life. In that quiet of the night atleast as quiet it can get I ponder over the trivial things of life and draw conclusions to these matters.
A poem can only illustrate the emotion that consumes me every time I travel. So here is a part of the poem that should help you find solace if not peace in this journey.
Memory by memory,
Word and images clustered in my mind.
Given direction by the mechanical tune,
Played by the mother of direction.
She sings me a lullaby and sways me in her cradle.
I’ve now found peace,
As my eyes find deams of yet another destiny.
When it rained on a monsoon night, I met you a lonesome wolf.
In the calm of the night all I could hear were the drops of rain hitting the road.
I was weary and lost in thought when you suggested we take a walk on the narrow path.
With much thought I nodded an approval and gave it a shot.
On the rainy road we walked and you were a shelter I sort to resort.
Then I saw yet another installed road and thought it would be nice if you came along.
So I pointed towards it and ushered you to take that unwalked road.
You looked at me with disapproving eyes and left my side yet another time and sped off to your lonesome road.
Standing in the middle of the road I looked back and saw how far we had walked.
I knew my shelter was lost as I watched you fading from my sight.
I brushed the rain drops off my cheek and walked towards the road I had seen.
At the time independence leaders thought we would change for the better. Progress would be at an arms length and that gave them courage and hope to fight the war they won.
Now here we are 71 yrs after independence, how much would you say has changed? Did we not fight wars along the way?
No we never had riots, we never had strife. We only just quabled at the borders.
Now all thats left is the silence before the battle of the states.
We havr progressed in ways our ancestors would have not imagined. We have learned to diffentiate along fellow indian based on caste and language.
If our freedom fighters had time travel and see the future that we created. I think they would loose their spirit and succumb to injustice.
They say ” It’s better to be a slave of a foreign dog then to be a slave of your own dog”
Thinking about what mothers would have thought during the birthing process.
I wonder what my mom must have thought.
When I was born how it must have felt?
Newly mother say “its amaging experience worth having” while others say ,”its what makes you complete.”
Is that what you thought mom?
When you were having me, did it feel like a blessing?
Lets solve this mystery,
By going ahead in time.
When you made my favorite sweet dish on my bithdays.
I have to tell you that did make me feel lovely and special.
I know you loved me so.
Then the next day would come when I took an empty tiffin to school and came back to find my brother had his full.
I know mom you loved me so.
Lets not dwell on the past
I know my mom loved me
So I tried to make a log,
of all our conversations.
I knew I would read them when
I grew old and think fondly of her.
Somehow, my diary seemed to make a notes of chores alone.
Now I have a accumilation of all the demeaning things she had to say.
But I know mom deep down you loved me so.
As time pased by I found out,
The child you wanted to live without,
Was the child you bore.
Was it a curse or was it just a pain.
I wasn’t your golden child.
For the lack of a phallus made me the child you wanted to throw.
I know mom it wasn’t you.
For you loved me so.
I fell short on being a man,
So your dreams could not come true.
When you say I was just failure .
You are a mother of just one man.
It would have make my dream come true if only you would let me close to you.
Oh mom I wish you knew my love for you was greater than your love for a child like me.
I wouldn’t blame you
Your mind had been clouded with patriachy and the grave need for a code.
I do admire your stern behaviour
Though not your decision.
To let me live a life of a cave man.
You did love me so.
Until I tried to break the cuff
But my greed for loved tied me too long.
I could never hate you mom.
I wasn’t meant to be but you loved me so.
I sleep every night with my bedsheet and teddy held tight to my body, wondering if teddy would talk but teddy would never talk. He would never say a word to console a friend in tears. No! Thats not what teddy does its not his way to console. He would just merely be there silently through out your conversation and be there listening to every word you said letting it sink in his fibred brain. Thats what I like about teddy to be so understanding to know I only need someone to listen someone to hold while I share my troubles. Sometimes I wish teddy could go ten times his size, because he is hardly two feet in height. I wish he could grow taller so that when I would hug him and I could sink in all that fur like stone in sinking sand. Hoping I could hide myself from the world and never open my eyes.
Oh how I wish my dreams came true how I wish humans could be more like teddy and may be just may be everything could be alright.
Here I am back to square one.
I was hoping we could be together alone,
But call it fate wouldn’t have it my way,
So here we are back to square one.
Its been a while since we held on,
To our love.
But I ask you how long?
How long are you planning to hold on to this withered rope?
There was a time when I felt things would be just like sunshine.
A mere fairtail that I held on too…
You and I are a different kind.
Being alike and still apart has always been testing times.
Now I am back to square one.
From this point on,
Dont mind me hon:
Cause I might burn,
Whats left of us.
I’m left to writing you my last love song.
I did give my all.
Holding on to the bond still kept diminishing.
Standing at a point not knowing what more I can offer.
So I ‘m moving on.
I am starting back on square one.
Times I felt you needed more,
Or we both did,
need a different kind of love.
I’ve given up hope on receiving flowers, celebrating anniversaries and those little things you think less off.
Now we’ve reached a point where even saying those three magical words is a task. Was it too much to ask?
Did you not know I wanted to make memories for us to cherish when we grew old?
Lust can’t make up for love.
Was it lust or was it love?
That made us yern.
I warned you this will burn.
I wished you would want us to work as much as I did.
Or else you would’ve done things differently.
You would work towards achieving it.
I don’t want to push you to the brink.
so I’m starting back on square one.
Forgive me love for I have to move on.
From you, from love, from all that, alone.
She finds solace in the wounds she inflicts.
She makes me bleed with every smirk and scornful smiles.
Glad that I am in misery so deep,
That I have no place to hide:
Only solitude or may be eternal sin that would be my escape.
End this torture inflicted life.
Needs purifying every now and then,
Sprinkles of liquor from time and again.
Every word uttered a melody of pure disgust.
Makes one flinch at her thoughts.
Why does she not know?
Why does she not see?
How her blessing turn to venom infecting her prey.
Numbs the senses at first,
Then slowly creeps to clutch at my heart,
gagged with pain to drain it of every emotion.
Is this what she calls love?